


I left a taste in your mouth

by wearetheocean



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:07:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26468437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearetheocean/pseuds/wearetheocean
Summary: Getting over someone can be a pretty clear process - you break up, you cry a couple of days to let out your emotions, you block them everywhere, you rationalise your emotions and your friends help you out when you need them. It's all pretty simple.Expect it's not. It's messy, ugly and most of all it hurts. But what's worst isn't even the process of getting over someone. What scares Moonbyul the most is the prospect of never even trully getting over Yongsun.
Relationships: Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is my pretty self-indulgent word vomit. I think it's worth a read though, so I hope you like it. Please keep in mind English isn't my first language and there may be some mistakes. I am sorry in advance for that, but I hope you find it entartaining nontheless.

The weirdest part of missing someone you shouldn’t miss is the formalities around it. At times it feels like such a clear process. You hear a song they used to sing along to, you walk past a park you used to frequent with them, you scroll through Instagram and see their name pop up, and as always you feel the familiar pang in your chest. Then in what must be the millionth time you have to go through all the reasons you shouldn’t miss them, all the ways they hurt you, you already have a pre-constructed list you go through every time. Calming yourself takes between 5 and 10 minutes, if it exceeds 15, you call your best friend, then Wheein goes through all the same points with you and for a second you think you’re finally fully over it. Then you see something that reminds you of them again and it starts all over. But again it was to be expected, nothing you couldn’t anticipate, you were getting quite good at managing your emotions, sometimes you went as far as opening Instagram knowingly even, in a way seeking out the pain, only to have to remind yourself again how shitty your ex was just in case you forgot. 

Sometimes though things weren’t as easy or as clear. 

You see Yongsun on the same bus. You see her flowy hair, it’s grown twice its length since the last time you saw her, she looks as stunning as ever. You hear her laugh and the pang in your chest grows into a piercing pain. You swear you can almost smell her signature perfume and try to hold back your tears when you realise how much you missed that sent, when you remember all the nights you spent rolling in bed half asleep searching for it, searching for her. You still haven’t returned most of her T-shirts, you would never admit you use them as pajamas most nights. 

You see Yongsun on the same bus as you and can taste bitterness on your tongue. You see her more beautiful than you can remember, laughing and looking at a stranger. You don’t even recognise him, but he has his hands all over her. Maybe he’s an old friend of hers that you don’t remember, maybe they met after your breakup and she still hasn’t posted pictures of her new friend circle, maybe he’s her new lover and she hasn’t posted, because she doesn’t want to hurt you(which is doubtful), maybe he is a stranger for her as well, a person to keep her company for the night, a person to leave her be in the morning. You can hear your pulse quickening and bolt for the door. You leave the bus as soon as it reaches its next stop. There is feel hotness at the back of your neck, you wonder whether she saw you, whether her eyes followed you on your way out. You don’t know what would hurt you more - her seeing you and still keeping her arms around his neck or her being so absorbed by his presence, she didn’t even notice you. 

You get off the bus and don’t look back. The least you want is for her to see your tears if you looked back. 

Sometimes you miss her in ways you can’t expect, ways you can’t control. After you get off the bus, you have to walk 40 minutes to your house and spend the whole time crying. No matter what you try to think of, you can’t stop your heart from aching. 

\-----------------

Wheein takes you out to get drinks on the weekend after that. You have fun or at least you tell her you’re having fun. She smiles, her dimples show and you really are grateful you have a friend that’s there for you. Hyejin is at work today and she fixes you some free drinks. You have one, then two, then you stop counting. You see some cute girls eyeing you. Hyejin nuges you a bit and Wheein cheers you on. You look at one pretty girl with a cute floral blouse and remember how Yongsun loved to wear one just like hers. You go and throw up in the toilet then tell Wheein you had too much to drink. She takes you home. 

\----------------

Your head is pounding, there is still a ghost from the loud club music dancing in your mind, but casually it dies down. Wheein brings you some water, tucks you in bed and leaves you to go drive Hyejin home. You thank her just as she reaches the door. Wheein smiles at you, but this time her dimples don’t show and you can see a pang of sadness in her eyes. You suddenly feel bad for being such a buren. 

You are alone with the silence in your tiny apartment. It feels like its walls are closing in. You get up and open up the curtains of your room. The moon is bright and you start taking deep breaths, trying to lose yourself while your eyes calmly trace the stars. There is a whole universe out there and for a minute you don’t feel so lost, maybe all you needed to do was get out of your own head. 

You hear your phone ring and go to check it, expecting to see Wheein or Hyejin wishing you goodnight or just checking up on you. When you unlock it, you feel the nausea setting in again.

Únknown number   
I’m sorry. 

You feel tears forming, but can’t stop reading.

Unknown number  
I tried to move on  
I can’t   
I want to fix this 

Months ago, all you hoped was for her to reach out, to try to mend things. You tried and tried again to get her to reconsider. And just as you were coming to terms with the shitstorm that had passed…

Unknown number  
Please let me fix this


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes healing is a road meant for one. No matter how much Wheein and Hyejin try to help you, all their efforts feel futile. Sure they can pat your back, but they can’t stop your tears. They can tell you things will be ok, but that doesn’t dull your pain. Sometimes you even prefer they don’t try at all. Sometimes all you can do is sob and heave until you vomit and when they have to look after you and clean the mess you’ve become, you feel like a burden, you wish they would just leave you be. Sometimes all you want to do is cuddle up in her old T-shirts, make yourself her favourite hot cocoa and drink it while looking at old pictures, that’s when all they can do is look at you with sad eyes and you can’t help but feel so pathetic you almost start crying again. Sometimes you are one second away from texting her and when they stop you, you can’t help but hate them a little. In the end of the day you are immensely grateful you have such great friends that would never leave you even during your lowest points. But sometimes you just feel like they would never get it. They haven’t seen her smile while humming along to songs on the radio, they haven’t seen her jump up and down in pure joy when you let her pick what movie to watch, haven’t heard her whisper “I love you” half-asleep in the middle of the night when you get back to bed with a glass of water, haven’t seen her coming undone in a sea of soft moonlight, haven’t heard her say goodbye and haven’t had their hearts ripped apart by her soft and vicious hands. They just don’t understand. They never had her and they never lost her. 

Sometimes you feel more alone than ever. Sometimes you feel like you’re the last person on earth and no one else understands you. Maybe in the end of the day you were sitting in a prison of your own making. 

Billions of people, even trillions have had their hearts broken during the course of time. There are oceans of tears that have been shed, millions of poems about loss and songs about heartache and you for some reason feel special. Even after you went through hundreds of reddit pages where people said all the same shit, after you watched thousands of self-help videos, read through all the comments, you even bought a couple of books when you were most desperate… even after all that, you still didn’t find what you needed. You went through all the advice in the world and it still didn’t help. No one could help you deal with pain they had not felt. Even if everyone at some point lives through a break up, every break up is different. You don’t see how you can use someone else’s advice, maybe it worked for them, but it's been 6 months and you still can’t find peace after all your efforts. 

Maybe you just were never gonna get over it. 

Do not respond!!!  
Byul, stop ignoring me 

You look at the message for what feels like hours. You think about responding, then curse yourself out, then spend an hour writing and rewriting responses, then throw your phone away. You listen to some music, flower your plants, take the dogs for a walk then stop acting like you could ever just ignore her no matter how hard you tried. You spent years averting your eyes like she wasn’t the only thing you could ever think about. 

Moonbyul   
Give me one reason to ever talk to you again.

You go make dinner, burn yourself because you’re too distracted, drop some pans, curse a lot and finally manage to salvage whatever you tried to cook. In the end you’re so nervous you don’t even feel hungry and throw most of your dinner away. You finally look at your phone and feel your stomach turn. 

Do not respond!!!  
Do I really have to?

And with that all efforts to compose yourself go out the window. 

Moonbyul  
You’re such a bitch  
I guess you know that

Do not respond!!!  
You’ve told me, yes. 

You’re just about to block her, when you see her send some more messages

Do not respond!!!  
Look  
I’m not trying to piss you off

Moonbyul   
It looks like that’s exactly what you’re trying to do 

Do not respond!!!  
I said I was sorry  
You’re the one ignoring me

Moonbyul  
I’m in no way obliged to accept your apology 

Do not respond!!!  
I know  
You are not  
Still I hope you do 

You take a deep breath. You look around your apartment. See the dirty clothes everywhere, the scattered furniture and unwashed dishes. All you see is a giant mess like the one in your head and you feel your anxiety on the rise. You get up, clean after your cooking fiasco and go outside on your balcony. 

Moonbyul  
You hurt me, Yongsun  
Even if I wanted  
I’m not sure I can 

You look at the stars outside and start tracing them to calm yourself down. 

Do not respond!!!  
I know 

You take a deep breath and feel like a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Weirdly it’s not her apology that made you feel better, it's the fact that for the first time you think she finally understands how much suffering she had caused you. You start typing. 

Yongsun   
I was hurt as well

You stop. You pull your face into a grimace, look away from your phone to take another breath. 

Moonbyul   
It was all your own doing 

Yongsun  
Don’t you even try to put it all on me

Moonbyul  
Whatever I did, I did it because of you

Yongsun  
You were possessive to obsession, your insecurities were always lingering above us every single moment, you were immature and don’t you fucking try to blame it all on me 

Moonbyul  
And you cheated  
Plain and simple  
No need to psychoanalyze you   
You are nothing more than a cheating whore

She blocked you after that. You curse out the whole universe on your small balcony. You hit the railing, kick it a couple of times then finally give up and lean against it for a moment. You look up at the stars and wonder how they can look so close, but then end up being lightyears away from each other. 

You hear your phone ringing. You see her picture. 

When you pick up there are a couple of minutes of silence. And then...

“I can’t even explain how sorry I am.”

You haven’t heard her voice in half a year. It sounds different. More troubled. She had tried to apologise before, but it never felt like this. Like it mattered. 

“You’ve said it before.”

“I know.”

“What? Do you want me to apologise as well”

“No”, there is a moment where she hesitates and pauses,”I just wanted to hear your voice.”

And in that moment you know. You are never going to get over her. 

You start crying on the phone with your ex that cheated on you half a year ago and think how you’ve reached rock bottom. You hear her cry as well and feel vindicated. At least in the end both of you were equally fucked. 

“I tried to get over you. I tried to get rid of you, that’s why I cheated. I just felt like I was suffocating”, you hear her ramble frantically, but every word is like a stab in your chest.

“I just wasn’t happy, Moonbyul. I know it was selfish, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just… I just felt miserable.”

“Are you happy now!?”, you try not to scream, but the words burn through your throat. 

There is a pause. Both of you know the answer. 

“I’m sorry I had to drag you down with me”

And then you realise it. The only person that really understands what you’ve been going through the past 6 months was the one that put you through them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this update! I would love to hear your opinions <3


	3. Chapter 3

You remember the first time you saw Yongsun. You were impatiently waiting in a busy cafe in the heart of Seoul. It was loud with chatter and commotion coming from the kitchen. You tried to focus on the fresh smell of coffee and baked goods, but you were more interested in the clock above the counter. Your date was already 5 minutes late. You didn’t have high expectations, this was a Tinder date after all. But the girl was cute and you were understandably excited. Just as you were about to ask Wheein wheter it would be too annoying to text to see if she was ok, the cafe’s door was whipped open.

Then. You saw her.   
Her hair was messy and her cheeks were reddened, she was still panting from running to the cafe. She still looked gorgeous, even more than in the photos. You felt yourself go completely numb. She spotted you from the door and smiled lightly, but you just stood there dumbfounded. 

She sat opposite of you and started showering you with apologise for being late. You just smiled, finally gaining back your composure, and asked her what she would like to drink. 

You spent hours just talking and joking. You will never forget how she looked that day. She was wearing a soft beige sweater that was too big for her, she looked so cute you just wanted to squish her in a hug. Her hair was a darker brown, long and flowy, it framed her face perfectly. She scrunched her eyes while she smiled and had the loudest laugh, all your stupid jokes managed to crack her up. She tried to act formal, but with every joke, she started to let her guard down. At one point she laughed so hard, she spilled her coffee. That’s when you knew you could love this smiling idiot for the rest of your life. 

It’s strange.   
It’s strange seeing her months after your break up in the same cafe. She still remembed it as well, she pointedly told you she frequented it during her lunch break in a text a couple of days ago. You don’t know what devil possessed you to go there as well. You just couldn’t stop thinking about it and when your walk with Wheein brought you in the same neighbourhood you couldn’t resist passing by in hopes of stealing a glance at Yongsun. 

The thing is Wheein had no idea what you were trying to do. You were sure she was going to stop you in your tracks. As a matter of fact your best friend had to idea you and your ex were texting in the first place. You can’t imagine how much that would piss her off. You’re pretty sure Wheein was even angrier at Yongsun than you were, if that was possible. They used to be pretty close, but in the end of the day she was your friend first and after Yongsun cheated, your best friend was ready to hunt her down and decapitate her. You try your best to block her view of the cafe, if she saw Yongsun right now you don’t know how she would react. At best Wheein would want you to go home, but you still wanted to see her as close as possible. 

You don’t even know why you want to see her. It’s not like you were getting back together. Both of you knew that very well. You made it clear in the beginning of your text escapade. It’s not even like you’ve been texting that much. She told you she was sorry, asked you how you were, you asked her how she was just in the name of good manners. She went on about how hard she’s been coping the last couple of months, told you she frequented places from your past, you left her on seen a couple of times, cried more than usual and told her to get a hobby and that it would help her cope. Then you cried some more and decided texting her wasn’t a good idea, that having any sort of contact with her wasn’t a good idea. And yet. Here you were. 

You finally got close enough to the cafe to be able to peek through its long glass windows. You squated like you wanted to tie your shoelaces, so Wheein would stop for a bit. You tried to look around the cafe, but at first didn’t find her at any of the tables. Then, at the one furthest in the back, you spotted her. The grip of your hands softened and you let out a small breath. 

You remember how she looked the first time you met her at the cafe. Happy, maybe a bit naive, but free. All of that was nothing more than a memory. Right now she was surrounded by stacks of paper, she had her eyes fixated on her laptop, while one of her hands was ruffling her hair. She looked angry, stressed and tired. You felt bad for her, you knew she could get too invested in her work, but you never imagined it could get this serious. Then she looked at you and suddenly her eyes changed. You were paralized in your tracks, while her gaze was unwavering. She looked shocked, confused and most of all… sad. 

You got up from your feet in a second and sprinted ahead. Wheein was busy looking at her phone and started yelling behind you when she realised you had went ahead. 

You walked and walked until you were at least a couple of blocks ahead of the cafe. Your heart was racing and you still couldn’t catch your breath. Hundreds of thoughts were racing through your head. You felt like you were on the edge of a heartattack. 

“What the fuck happened? Why did you run off like that”, Wheein finally managed to catch up. 

“Nothing, I just saw a spider on the ground.”

Wheein huffed and sat on the pavement next to you, while she also tried to catch her breath. You sat next to her and for a couple of minutes both of you just enjoyed the silence that started to linger over you. There were few people passing by and not a single car went down the calm road ahead of you. For a minute, you could feel at peace, you could concentrate on the small rustling of the trees on the sidewalk, the soft laughs of the kids playing in a nearby alley, you could try to forget about the girl in the coffee shop a couple of blocks away. 

“She was there, wasn’t she?”

You don’t answer. Wheein doesn’t say anything else. You feel your heart picking up again. You try to calm yourself down, but then you feel your phone vibrate. You know who it's from. Panic starts to set it, when Wheein turns to you.

“You’re stronger than you think, ok?”

You look into her soft brown eyes and for a minute you believe her. She helps you get up and walks you home in silence. You hug her tightly at the door and thank her at least 10 times for being there for you. She just smiles at you and tells you to take care of yourself. You promise her you will. 

The moment you reach your apartment you unlock your phone and realise you aren’t as strong after all. 

Yongsun   
I hoped you would stay   
But I’m happy I saw you, even if it was just for a while 

You get angry. Why was she acting like she missed you so much, when she was the one to fuck this whole thing up. You don’t respond. You go take a hot shower and promise yourself you’re gonna block her right away after you get out. The hot water manages to calm you down a bit. You hope the water will wash away all that is left of your feelings for her. You get out and the first thing you do is open your messages again.

Moonbyul   
Don’t act like you miss me   
Like you ever cared

Yongsun  
I cared  
I still do 

Moonbyul   
If you cared, you would leave me alone

Yongsun  
If that’s what you want

You laugh at yourself. She’s giving you a way out and both of you know, you won’t take it. 

Moonbyul  
What do YOU want  
Why are you texting me 

A couple of minutes pass. You think she may have fallen asleep so you get ready for bed as well. Just as you are about to fall asleep, you hear another ping from your phone.

Yongsun   
I don’t know 

Moonbyul   
This isn’t healthy   
For either of us   
I shouldn’t have come to see you today  
And you shouldn’t have told me where you would be  
You knew I would come

Yongsun  
I did  
You always came, when I asked

Moonbyul  
How come you never got tired of using me 

You throw your phone and try to go asleep. Then it pings again. You keep your eyes shut still. Then you sight and reach for it again.

Yongsun  
I’m sorry

Moonbyul  
You said that already

Yongsun  
What else do you want me to say?

Moonbyul  
I don’t know

Yongsun  
What do you want?

You think for a bit. You’ve been feeling a numbing pain in your chest since this conversation started. All you want is for it to go away. 

Moonbyul  
Why did you cheat?  
Wasn’t I enough?

Yongsun doesn’t answer for a couple of minutes and you decide to give up on this useless conversation. You have never felt so tired and fall asleep not long after you've thrown your phone away. You don’t hear when you receive the last message for the night. 

Yongsun  
You were always enough.


	4. Chapter 4

It starts out slow. A couple of texts a day. You block her for a week. Then you unblock her late at night, when you can’t get sleep. You text a bit more often. She tells you this was a bad idea and both of you stop. Then you start again. It goes on slow, so slow, some days you manage to lie to yourself that this isn’t going anywhere, but in reality you can feel yourself falling again. 

You think you never really stopped loving her. No matter what she did, she still was the same Yongsun that smiled at puppy videos on her phone and always showed you her screen, that made you coffee in the morning and cuddled you until you fell asleep at night, the same Yongsun that has been sending you songs that made her think about you almost everyday. 

You think about her everyday too. You think about how much you still love her and how much you fucking hate her. Somedays you tell her her songs are shit just to hurt her, you start useless fights just to fuck with her, you call her just to argue. Sometimes you think you only love being able to hurt her because she broke your heart. 

Somedays both of you don’t reach out. She doesn’t send you songs, she doesn’t try to convince you she’s sorry. You don’t try to call her because you miss her voice and you don’t text her just to tell her how much she hurt you. In those days you go through your day seemingly normal. You think about her for a second or two, while finishing up some emails for your job or while waiting for Wheein at the dinner place, but then you get out of your thoughts and every memory of her is gone. Sometimes you feel like things are getting better, like maybe you are on your way to recovery. You see a cute girl at the dinner place or watch a rom-com at home after work and think how one day you could move on. 

Today was one of those days. Then she texted you at 2am and you couldn’t help but answer. 

You wait for a couple of minutes, because you want to fake some dignity, but finally you give in. 

Yongsun  
How are you?

Moonbyul  
Its 2 am  
I am asleep

Yongsun  
Sorry for waking you 

Moonbyul   
What’s up? 

Yongsun  
I couldn’t sleep  
Idk 

You look at your phone for a while. You contemplate just throwing it away and falling back to sleep. Maybe she would send some more messages and you wouldn’t be able to resist getting up to see what she said. You contemplate blocking her altogether. Maybe that was all that you needed to do, maybe after you blocked her you could finally move on. 

Moonbyul  
Wanna go for a walk? 

\-----

The night is chilly and the moon is screaming at you what a bad idea this was. You pace around the fountain you were supposed to meet Yongsun at. The trees in the park looked menacing in the dark, like giant figures waiting to snatch you if your guard was down for too long. You looked around periodically feeling how your anxiety was going off the charts. This was a small dog park at the back of your apartment complex, there were buildings all around it and police cars patrolled nearby, but you were still super creeped out. 

When she came out between the trees you almost jumped, but managed to keep your calm. Then you saw Yongsun under the soft moonlight, still dressed in her pajamas with a giant fur coat over and almost cracked a smile. But you couldn’t lose your composure. 

“Hello.”

She looked at you with a bit of a weird look then chuckled softly. She sat at the edge of the fountain and gestured to the space beside her. You stayed still. 

“Come on. Just sit. Don’t act so cold, you were the one that wanted us to meet.”

You scoff but finally do sit down. You look ahead at the trees that were now being ruffled by the wind. You take a deep breath and relax. Maybe there was no use keeping a facade. Or you were too tired for it now at least. 

You look at her and see her wiggling in her coat trying to keep warm. You feel a small smile forming. 

“I hate this park. It’s always windy”

“It’s because it’s surrounded by buildings and they trap the wind and create currents”, you can hear yourself saying. 

Yongsun nods quietly and starts glancing at her feet awkwardly. You smile a little more and just breathe in more deeply. Then you breathe out. 

“I think I’ve missed you”, you know this was a bad idea, but decide you don’t care anymore. 

“I missed you too.”

You don’t say anything else for the rest of the night. You both just look at the stars above you and for the first time in forever you felt free, you felt like you could heal. Maybe moving on meant embracing your past first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer, I am in a bit of a bad headspace lol. I hope you enjoy this and would really appreciate you guys sharing your thoughts <3 Thanks for the read and have a great day!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like how it's turning out! I will update soon :)) I would love to hear your opinions, critiques and comments. You can also find me on twitter @moonbyul_stann


End file.
